Like a Fibre Gone From My Heart

My oldest daughter died in 1997 from a rare neurological disease. She was eight when she took her last breathe and now it is almost twelve years later. Yesterday she should've turned twenty and I should the mother of two living children and not just one. Children are not supposed to die before their parents.

It didn't even occur to me what day it was until late in the evening when I was sitting alone & reflecting on my day. My body remembered though, even if I didn't, and it explained why I was grouchy & not feeling well all day. Most years I've been fine. The hardest was when she would've been seventeen and I watched her friend graduating. It was such a reminder that life is not fair. Now this year, perhaps its the fact that she would no longer be a teenager but moving into adulthood, an adulthood that we will have to wait for her to have.

There will always be an ache, there will always be a hole in my heart and in my life. In one of my favorite books, the character Cadfael is asked the question, "will you miss her? Yes", he says, "like a fibre gone from my heart". I couldn't put it any better.

Salynne ©2009